1) Time

From 7-23-2011 -----

The reason I am doing this is all about time.

I am running out of time.

I am not trying to bore myself, but if I can give myself a place to go back to, it will be somewhat cathartic for me because my history has been such, that I write things down though I may not realize how profound my thoughts might be until much, much, later and after the fact.
You see? Right there is one of those profound things. This is all about time, and yet, I admit that I may not understand until much much later.

‘Much, much later’ I may not be here to understand my own words, not that it is of my own choosing, but my body is giving out on me a little bit more each day. I am lucky in that I can still walk, and do a lot of things that others in my condition can no longer do, but I certainly realize that the day will come when I can no longer do many things that I take for granted now. I am thankful for that.

However, at the same time, I am in full realization that in my present condition I can no longer do things that almost everyone else around me can and do take for granted. It becomes apparent when I am included in my friends' plans to which I must excuse myself. It is not their fault, and their embarrassment shows as suddenly as the awareness floods through their senses. And sadly, because of their discomfort they either stop including me in their plans, or avoid discussing them at all in my presence.

Happily, it is mid-summer, the days will soon become lazy, but right now we are in a fortunate situation in that summer is still fresh in the Pacific Northwest, we haven't had any of the terrible heat dome that the rest of the country has been experiencing. Our lawns are still green with the only brown lawns in the neighborhood being those that belong to families that practice the art of "urban dry-land" gardening as their main method of yard care.

It is the season of play here in my locale; and everyone is doing their best to fill their "off "times from jobs and professions, schools and educations with their needs for playfulness, recreation and joymaking. No one can fault anyone else for that, I certainly don't, because I feel and attempt to do it too!

Slow and easy....paced and experiencing it in my senses one drop at a time.

While I can't get there with them, I can sit and experience the feeling of the memories from my past, and the places I have been, while still collecting some peace and solace. There is always a trade-off.

Aside from the fact that I love to camp, hike, water ski, walk the dog, go out dancing and do all the things my friends do, simple things like walking down to the mail box, diving into refreshing swimming pool, standing in the breakers at the ocean’s edge, or even climbing up into the branches of a tree; some of my favorite places to cogitate, I can no longer reach. Too bad I cannot fly.

On my Facebook news feed yesterday, Katie asked the simple question: Invisibility or Flying?
She had had no response from any of her friends at that point so I became her first respondent, and to me it was clearly a no-brainer, defined to her in one simple word: Flying. I am already invisible, and it is clearly no walk in the park. Being invisible is lonely.

Not only do I fly in my dreams, I have taken others flying too. But in this life, right now, if I could fly I could reach the places my body can no longer take me.

So I must rely on my memories, and by that I don’t just mean the sights and occurrences that I have stored within my mind, for they also include the sounds, the scents, the colors and especially the complete emotional package that goes along with each memory that I have safely tucked away in its own eidetic mental envelope.

It is all relative anyway. The faster I move, the less I will see.



2) A Dream, Realization, and the Final Absorption

... from 8/12/2011...

In my dreams, I was cutting hair. I knew I was retired, but I had returned just to do a couple of clients on a Saturday (I think).

During one haircut which was turning out beautifully, and we were both very happy with the appearance of the young woman’s hair; I had finished the line, dried her hair with the preliminary styling and was just starting the overhead shaping and blending of the layers, when I turned to the counter behind me to get a product. As I turned back, I saw my client had gone and was now at the front desk paying for her haircut even though I wasn’t done blending it yet. She thought I had finished, so she had taken herself to the desk, and was leaving.

Then, I was in the midst of a guy’s haircut, I went to the dispensary, and as I entered, the lights were out and it was pitch black in the room. So I turned the lights back on and walked in, and in some way it became clear to me that the Salon Owner had gone home. I left the dispensary and returned to the floor and to my client. Now the floor was dark, and each room I went into was dark (even though it was still daylight outside) and when I tried to return to my client, in each room I entered I turned all the lights back on, while passing through.

At one point, I was outside and in an alley behind the salon, and as I was walking back to the salon, I had to walk into the neighbor's business and through it, to get there. It was an outside shop, some type of manufacturing company of metal auto body and car parts, with thick gray corrugated steel walls partially in the shade and partially out in the sunshine. In my hand I had my shears (my exp $500 shears), and as I looked down into my hand I noticed that that the shiny metal had shattered. The only thing left was one blade and the 2 finger rings. The second blade was in pieces. As I walked through the business next door, I found a single edge razor sitting on a metal block and I picked it up thinking it was mine, until I realized it was 2” long instead of the normal 1/2” or even 1!” I muttered something to a woman there (one of the owners) something like “Oops, that’s not mine,” and I set it down and continued onward.

As I left that business to enter the salon, I saw my client out behind the back of the salon walking away through the parking lot and across the alley. He also had thought I was done, had paid and was leaving, satisfied. I was not finished. I tried to call him but he didn’t hear me, so I jumped into my car to catch him at the alley and as I was about to reach him he turned into a residence and met up with his friends and they were all walking away, joking and playing and continuing on with their lives. I gave up and went back to the salon which I found, once again to be dark with the lights turned off and everyone gone.

I called my husband on my cell and told him I was done and that I’d now be on my way home.
I guess I really am retired.

In my dream, I was having a problem with the realization that I was actually done.
Is this what happens when we die too soon? Do we continue going through the movements, attempting to keep in the same day to day pattern that we are accustomed to?

3) This is me, and where I am.

...From 10/7/2011....

~~~I Breathe~~~

After being a hairdresser for 28 years, and living the good life, with all my friends and coworkers, I have now found that I have emphysema. I smoked, I danced, I partied, Life is good. I got it all out of my system before settling down to the family life.

In 1995, I quit smoking when the signs of asthma showed up, and had to make the choice, Smoke or Breathe. I decided I would Breathe.

I guess 28 years as a professional hairdresser was probably just like continuing to smoke, because now in 2011, I have been forced once again to make the choice: Work and die young or quit work and live as best I can.
I quit in order to live.

Being diagnosed with severe emphysema (which means COPD) was a bit of a downer, I have to admit. But things could be worse, I could have been forced to listen to elevator music for the rest of my days or work in a customer service desk at a certain discount department store (again).

Well, I am still alive, and I will remain alive as long as I can. I will not leave this Earth easily. Besides, there are some people that I still have to "out do" so leaving early just isn't an option.

At this point I have had initial testing, and I've completed additional testing requested by the surgeons. I think they're evaluating my test results, and sooner or later they'll contact us, and we will start the surgical process.
I figure that if they had found something wrong or something that disqualifies me, I would have heard from them by now. So I guess I am still a candidate for surgery.

I have a slim idea of what surgery entails, but not how long I will be there, nor do I know all the risks involved.

In fact, all I do know for sure is that just prior to the surgery I will not be able to eat or drink for about 12 hrs, they'll stick me with an IV port, then I'll drink their KoolAid and go to sleep.

The surgeons are the masters at what they do, and it is my job to make sure my body does as its told and that mentally, all I have to do is sleep the day away.

And when I wake? jello. And my life begins again... and they'll probably have me up walking the next day, especially if they put the coffee at the other end of the room.
Right now I keep my fingers crossed that I will remain a good candidate for surgery. I have to fit their criteria.

This is the first time in my life that I have been told that my young age works in my favor...go figure. I am suddenly young again. In fact yesterday, I was called "kiddo."
Well, that hasn't happened in about oh, 30 years or so. It's an interesting perspective, after being the oldest at my job for so many years, I am now the youngest of my peers.

What do I want from my friends? Prayer always feels good. Laughter works good.
Support feels good. Double Latte's feel good, too.
Above all, Love works.

I have a great family. I am married to my best friend, my loving husband with 3 great kids.
We have 2 cats, a fat one and a skinny one, and occasionally a big dawg comes to visit.

I love pounding on metals, and making baubles to wear, and I collect rocks and gems here and there.

4) Breaching a Seal

Ok, so I have now breached a seal so to speak. I am now on oxygen.

I fill the tank from the big “in-home” tank and then ‘me and my pack’ can go for about 4-8 hrs. I have found that when it runs out, it literally runs out, no matter where I am.


I loved standing on a ridge top looking out over a valley below, after hiking there on trails.
Snow and sand are completely out of the picture for me now.


How does it feel to be without breath? I measure distances.



I can physically feel the air moving in and out…, it’s just not absorbing. Another symbolic gesture I had to face.
A person does not forget things when you have only 10 steps of energy to use up, you gather what you can in your hands and arms and carry everything you will need because there is no going back to get things.

If there is no energy, one cannot carry too much weight either, so it becomes a damned if you do, and a damned if you don’t situation very quickly.

Another thing I have taken for granted over the years: staircases, and inclines.

I never thought much about walking up a slight slope.

I do, now.

And the biggest awareness to absorb…I am physically disabled.