I am a nautilus. I am rolled into a ball, a coil with ever tightening concentric circles that get smaller and smaller, each chamber smaller than the preceding chamber all the way to my core.
My id lies in my internal structure. Inside my shell, in the place where I am found, tightened within my own private little world I can seek my own pleasure from the inside out without having to expose myself to the outside world that wants to rob me of my strength.
And when I am forced into the environment, when I need to go out, I can just grow another shell of protection, compartmentalizing a new place for myself to step into; a new booth from which to view the outside world. In this booth, I sit and watch others as they go about their daily lives laughing and frolicking, never the wiser that I am behind my partition watching them. I crave to be out there playing. There will come a time when I will be freed, my shell will be removed and I will burst forth, out into the sunshine again, where I might breathe the same air that everyone else breathes. I won’t feel any more pain.
But for now I stay curled up within my world, my only visit to the outside world comes from the need of sustenance and to tone myself to retain my inner strength. Until my time comes I can only dream of the outside world and access my memories of days once lived in the sunshine experiencing the freedom of movement. I can go out, but it is only for a brief time, and then I must return to my safety zone.
As a nautilus I am safe within. As a nautilus I can remain curled up, restoring some sense of who I was, with thoughts of returning to the sea, all in my own time.
sunrisebird ~vaka haunui~ Duncan Morrison
For now, when I venture out, my existence is captivated by my thoughts and frets about making it back into my shell in time to find my peace, my air, and my place to dream. Yet my dreams are of venturing out finding my peace again and then dreaming while I am out there.
All in due time.
